Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Big changes to normal, lately.

So lately I've been back to spending more time with Dakota. And honestly, I'm really enjoying it. My issue is i have to find a balance of focusing on myself, my business and her. Which I think I can do, its just gonna take more time than I thought it would. As for the other women, there isn't any. Georgi and i kind of realized staying friends is the best bet, and honestly I think it truly is. Her heart wanders far to much to be stable.

Whats going on in my head though is so much different now. I'm trying to stay positive and focus on work but its getting harder, also due to me doing a few things I'm upset with myself for. But I feel that I've owned up to my mistakes, paid my dues and made my apologies. Now its just up to the people involved to either forgive me and drop it. or hold onto it and move on from me. They cant do both.

I fuck up from time to time, but its how I go about owning up to it and apologizing about it that reminds me I'm a man.


                                                                      My family.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This morning was a whirlwind of last nights dream, forcing my gut to call Dakota out on something i already knew. Though no matter how tough the information, i feel like im strong enough to take anything and swallow it. Plus having a few friends and the always so convenient Heather around makes things 10x easier. As for the rest of the day... (i wont post details out of respect for the person who asked me not to)

So tonight was a little off, i spent my time working till about 7:05pm then wound up meeting with the business boy Young Rem. Realizing Dakota and Veronica and Jillian were all in the car, i decided to say my good byes to remi and jillian and separate to get some beer with DK and V. (DK being Dakota and V being Veronica) It was nice to catch up on some time listening to country music and inhaling and exhaling the daily dose of negative and positive energy. I felt kind of strong yet a bit weak being next to her, my emotions were going up and down and side to side. But overall when we got back and spent the time in my jacuzzi i feel like it was a good idea. there's alot we needed to get out, and alot that was left unsaid. But well see how things continue to go. Ill be passing out next to her. God i do miss this.

~ Dev.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The First Post

So to explain where this is coming from.

This past week or two have been really tough, but recently I've been doing better.
I tend to miss Dakota from time to time, but I've realized my feelings for Georgi haven't left me. What really sucks is, amongst these two elephants in my heart, i have a few minor mice as well. Maite being the largest of the female distractions aside from the two i previously mentioned. Then there's Gina, who's very interesting to say the least. So my heart is quite tangled, to say the least. And i think i focus on these women so much because i miss the support and the love and the person to go to. Ever since nicks death i haven't really had the ability to go to anyone with information and get some advice back. Heather seems to be playing that roll, but she's only just met me, and im sure in time it will be easier. But for now were still growing to know each other. The person who i wish was filling that void of "support" isn't, and wont be, and the person who i had playing that roll of "support" but doing very badly at it, is now learning how important it was to me.

Its odd how my little breakup has turned into such a life changing event, and i only have one person to thank for making me feel so low that i realized i had to climb back up or that was it. But i also thank her for everything else shes done for me in the good sense. To be fair though, I don't think i have room to blame anyone for anything. I've done my fair share of fucked up things as well  and Dakota wasn't the only person to tear me down. Georgis done it before as well, but why do i love these two people SO much? Its true no matter the situation though, i think I've found the two girls ill always compare others to. And i love each one for different reasons. I suppose it helps that them being polar opposites appeals to my very contradictory self. Each one is loved with a different half of my heart.

The big distraction is my up and coming website, and my close friends getting involved. although im not sure where to begin im sure ill figure it out in time through reading and studying and researching where i have to go with it. But it sucks to say the women in my life are occupying my heart, which tends to over ride my brain from time to time.

Tonight im lonely in bed and reading. but im very mush so missing the feel of a head against my chest. oh well.

~ The elephant for today. 6.13.11